The Story of the IPOD,the Marauders, Snape and co
by Vitzy
Summary: "You WHAT!"Lily screamed. "I-I invited P-Padfoot and Moony round..." Mayhem will surely happen whereever there is a marauder involved. Here we have three of them! A  lily, a snape a Harry and AN IPOD! Multi chapter crackfic...read and review!
1. In which the IPOD is introduced

**Disclaimer: I am not Jo or Vicky and therefore do not own Harry Potter or 'When the Pizza Doesn't Arrive' **

**A/N : This is a sequel of sorts to 'When the Pizza Doesn't Arrive' by vicky199416. It's awesome and funny...go read it...then come back and read this! **

**-In which the IPOD is introduced-**

"You WHAT!" Lily shrieked, jumping around with baby Harry in her arms.

"I-I invited P-Padfoot and Moony round..." her husband said, cringing away from the red-headed monster that was Lily.

"James Potter!" After what happened 'last' time...how COULD you?" They both shuddered as the memory of the 'last' time when the Marauders and Lily's best guy friend Sev, had all been round at Godric's Hollow.

"Well this time the fridge has more than just baby formula food and I promise to not let Sirius try and eat Harry...or Sniv- I mean Severus!" James quipped, still keeping a safe distance from his wifey.

Lily rolled her eyes. Whatever, I don't believe you! You told me that you would stand up for me and 'last' time I just ended up getting arrested!

"Ah! Oh no you did-unt!" James snapped

"Oh yes I di-id!" Lily countered.

"'Last' time was a whole week ago, Lily, you can't keep bringing the past up!"

"Shut up , you moron, I still had to spend a day in jail and what were you doing? Scoffing Pizza."

James just shuffled around guiltily.

"I have an idea!" Lily screamed. "Here, have Harry," and she tossed baby Harry to James who caught him and put him on the dining table.

Lily gave James a funny look and said "I'm not a muggleborn for nothing," then she ran up the stairs, presumably to her bedroom.

...

While Lily is upstairs, the fireplaces roars to life and out tumbles a black-haired, hook-nosed man. _Yup you guessed it, it's Captain Hook! Just kidding, of course it's Sevvy, this is Harry Potter fanfiction, dudes!_

"Oh get a shampoo...and then a life...and then a girl, but not my girl ," James said loudly to Sev.

"Respect the hair and peace out, my friend ," Sev says and with a swish of his wand he is a hippy. James just raises an eyebrow , swishes his wand and is in a bikini.

By that time Remus has also arrived. "Still can't do charms, Prongs?"

Lily comes running down with a box-like thing with white worms coming out of it, in her hand.

"Where is _he_?"

"Not here yet ," everyone else replies, knowing exactly who _'he' _is.

"So...want a drink Sev?"

"No."

"Want a drink Remus?"

"Yes." James goes gets it.

"Want something to eat, Sev?"

"No."

"Want something to eat, Remus?"

"Yes." James goes to get baby formula food.

"Want to play a game , Sev?"

"No."

"Want to play a game, Remus?"

"Yes." And James beings out exploding chess _(The marauders invented it...it's chess with explosions)_

"Do you want to do anything, Sev?" Lily asks, getting a bit concerned.

"No."

"Do you even want to be here, Sev?"

"No."

"Do you want to err go then, Sev?" Lily asks, getting a bit impatient.

"No...I just want to be left alone, Lily. Can't a guy mope in peace?" And he charms himself into an emo.

"Ooookaaaay!" Lily says quietly, turning her head and just then Sirius jumps out of the fireplace.

"ON GUARD!" He shouts, pointing his wand at no one in particular _(he hasn't noticed Sev, yet)_

Everyone pleasantly (or not so pleasantly in Sev's case) ignores him apart from baby Harry who jumps up and puts his hands in the air.

But now Sirius has noticed his worst enemy and screeches in a high enough pitched voice to challenge even that of Walburga's.

"HIIIIIIIIIM! WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"

Both Sirius and Sev have wands at the ready and pointing at each other. Remus and James stop briefly with their game to look up at what the noise is all about. But then one of James' pawns explode and they go back to the game.

Lily decided now is a good time to introduce her plan to keep everyone safe.

"Sirius, I got you something!"

His attention is momentarily averted as Lily steps in the line of wand-fire. Sev scowls. There is no way he will impedimenta his Lily!

"What's that, honoury sis-in-law?"

"This Sirius..." Lily said puffing up her chest, which only makes her look fatter than she already is. She never lost weight after having Harry.

"...Is an I-POD"

"What kind of plant is that? Don't remember Sprout introducing that ugly thing" Sirius asks scratching his chin, as if in deep concentration.

"You didn't even know what a mandrake was, so to be honest, that was a pretty rubbish arguement," Remus quipped.

Sirius scowls at his wolfy friend and takes the object from Lily's hand.

"Maybe it's a prank box." James says eagerly.

Lily rolls her eyes and mutters "One-track mind"

Sev, not being able to stand the complete idiocy of the marauders supplies ,"It's a muggle electronic device, you dunderheads!"

"Oh." Sirius says and promptly drops it.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

"What I do?"

"Now you're in for it, mate!" Remus said, standing and yawning. It had been a long fifteen minutes. James just looked gleeful that someone else was getting the wrath of Lily.

Harry looked positively pleased too!

**A/N : Please review This isn't over. The next chapter will be up soon...I've got plot bunnies roaming around in my heads...REVIEW!**


	2. In which the IPOD explodes

**Disclaimer: Obviously, I'm not Jo...y'know what? I really really passionately dislike these disclaimers...they make me realise, how little I own!**

**A/N : Yeh, I mix up the tenses...let's just pretend this is part of the magic.. *ahem* no pun intended! Oh just read it, already. LoL!**

"I didn't mean it!" whined Sirius as Lily pulled him by his ear.

Baby Harry was smirking.

"YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID, SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" Lily hollered. Baby Harry stopped smirking long enough to shoot his father a confused look (he had never heard his mum look so red before), but James was having too much fun watching his best friend get yelled at by his wife and completely ignored his son's blatant display of confusion.

Remus, decided that Baby Formula food was just not tasty enough for him and that he would really like a piece of the bloodied steak that he could smell, in the fridge. The full moon was approaching and the wolf in him was starting to re-surface.

At the same time, James thinking that he should help out Padfoot (Lily was now tugging on poor Padfoot's ear so hard that his entire head was shaking and he was making funny yelping noises) decided to step forward.

Simultaneously, Snape, having had enough of pretending to be an emo decides to practise his new favourite dark-magic spell. It was a personal favourite of Lucius' He picks up his wand and smiling sinisterly, points it at Sirius and starts to mutter the spell.

So let's imagine the scene...we have Remus walking towards the fridge in the kitchen, James walking towards Remus on his way to his wife and friend. The IPOD lays forgotten and dear Snape is muttering an incantation with his wand pointing in Sirius' direction when baby Harry feels the need to settle the air inside him...

"BURRRRRP!" Baby Harry belches out and Snape's wand is hit off track by the force of the burp. The spell intended for Sirius instead hits the IPOD, but for the moment only Snape has noticed. He is also the only one who knows that this particular spell is not to be used on muggle devices.

Especially _electronic _muggle devices...

Everyone else continues in oblivion while Snape watches the IPOD begin to sizzle.

And Hiss

And start to shake on the floor.

Baby Harry also notices the IPOD and watches in fascination as the IPOD starts to vibrate vigorously.

"POD!" Baby Harry squeaks and upon hearing her baby's first word, Lily lets go off Sirius' ear (who falls to the floor) and runs to hug James.

"Did you hear that? He squeaked his first word! He said..." and her voice trailed off as she too saw her beloved IPOD Touch, third generation, now like a mini fire ball.

Very pleased with himself, baby Harry falls asleep and for now we will forget that he exists.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Lily screeches at the three men still standing. But no one gets a chance to answer because the IPOD finally rises off the ground and starts to whizz around.

"I think, it's confused." Sirius offers from the floor. "Your muggle thingy, thinks it's magical! It thinks it's a snitch! Look it's flying!"

James smiles sappily at Sirius, proud of his friend's intelligence and Remus bursts into tears, sobbing out : "Oh Sirius, great one, you are so clever, Teddy would be so proud!"

"What the hell? You don't have a son!" Snape sneers, totally disgusted by the Marauders.

"Yes I do, his name is Teddy Lupin!"

"That _does _make sense, Moony's last name is also Lupin so Teddy _Lupin _must be his son," Sirius adds wisely from the floor.

This time both James and Sirius burst into tears, clearly very proud of their friend's genius.

"CATCH IT! IT'S RUNNING AWAY! MY IPOD IS FLYING AWAY...SOMEONE CATCH IT!"

Snape seeing this as an opportunity to impress 'his' Lily decides to lunge after it...but alas he was never particularly good at anything apart from Potions so he completely misjudges and so he crashes into James and they both hurtle into Remus and the three bang into Lily and the quartet fall on top of poor innocent and _temporarily _intelligent Sirius Orion Black.

"GETTOFFFFFFF!"

"EWWW GREASE!"

"YOU IDIOT BOYS, YOU LOST ME MY IPOD!"

"GETOFF GETOFF GET! OFF!"

"Getting off Siri, Sheesh, take a dog biscuit!"

"The saying is 'take a chill pill' Potter."

"What's a pill?" Sirius moans from the floor.

"What happened to your intelligence, Padsy?" Remus asked aghast.

"YOU GUYS!" Lily says exasperated.

"WHAT LILY" They all reply, just as exasperated with her screaming.

"God, you don't have to shout." Lily said, miffed.

Lily frowns in their direction and glares at them all. "This is all your fault, you know!"

They all start protesting but Lily waves her wand and casts the silencing charm and all the boys just stand there (well actually Sirius is still on the floor) making fish faces.

"Since because of the four of you, I lost my most precious IPOD , you're going to all go and get me another one."

"Pfft...that's easy...accio IPOD," James shouts. A smoking and blackened, yet red-hot ex-IPOD zooms in through the window and hits him on the head.

He falls over and is unconscious.

"Told you, it's Sirius whose the clever one," Remus pipes up happily.

"SHUT UP! I know where you can go to get me a new IPOD"

"Where?" Snape asks, seriously regretting coming over today.

"Muggle London," Lily says triumphantly while baby Harry randomly wakes up and claps his hands. Then just as randomly goes back to sleep, but it doesn't matter because no one cares.

"Where's that?" Remus asks, confused.

"In Muggle...duh!" Sirius replies, shaking his head.

"Good thing, I'm going home then," Snape said.

"I've called your father, Sevvy, he's at Spinner's end, waiting," Lily said an evil glint in her eyes.

Snape's face turns into one which Baby Harry adorns every time he is forced to eat his mother's cabbage casserole.

"You ALL are going to Muggle London." Lily announces.

Snape groans, Remus is still confused and Sirius is poking James who has fallen next to him.

"Oh and take him with you," Lily says pointing at her husband.

**A/N : Next Chapter : Visiting Muggle London.**

**Review please! They are like crack to my addiction...well not really, obviously...ah I'll just shut up! Don't forget to review :) **


	3. In which they journey to Muggle London

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter! There, I said it! Happy now?**

So now that Lily was well and truly mad, the boys had not much choice but to leave the house, fidellus charm and secrecy be damned!

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Remus chirped.

"We're off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Remus sang even more happily.

"We're off to see the wiz..."

"Oh will you shut up already, Merlin!" Snape hissed sourly.

But Remus paid no heed to Snape and instead linked his arms with his two besties and started up again.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz"

"Dude, leave me alone," James extracted his arm and mumbled, still slightly out of it.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz"

"Remmy," Sirius said calmly and patiently. "You're singing it wrong!"

*Collective gasp from the rest, yes _even _Snape*

"B-B-But I'm Remus Alfred Lupin, I know the lyrics to everything!"

"Yeh, once in First Year, he scared Snivellus off by singing 'Early One Morning'" James added.

"I wasn't scared!"

"You were"

"Was not"

"Were too"

"No"

"Yes!"

"How does the song go, Padsy?"

***Sirius clears throat and Snape and James fall silent***

"We're off to see Godric, the bravest wizard of all!"

"Wohhooooo, Godric Gryffindor all the way, baby!" James and Remus screech.

"Black, that is appalling, Godric doesn't even fit. It goes like this : We're off to see Salazar, the darkest wizard of all!"

"How very Slytherin of you," Sirius commented.

"**Ob**viously," Snape said, channelling his inner Alan Rickman.

"Well this is just _Riddikulus!" _Remus added, channelling his inner David Thewlis.

"Where's the boggart?" James asked.

"No no no, I mean ridiculous, not _Riddikulus!"_

"Huh?"

"No one knows the right version of the song...hey maybe that pretty lady knows!"

Remus runs down the rest of the way of the hill on top of which Potter Manor resides.

Sirius, James and Snape all trail behind.

Upon reaching the scene, they find Remus clutching his face and a stream of blood escaping his nose.

"What did you say, now?" Sirius asked seriously.

"Onby asgd ib she a witch..." Remus said thickly.

Snape rolled his eyes, knowing full well what happens if you tell someone they are a witch.

"Well? What did she say or do?" James asked impatiently.

"She said that do, she a muggle and dat i'b better watch out befode she hex me!"

"Muggles these days are so weird." Sirius said.

The others nodded and Snape said, "How very _un_gryffindor of you!"

Everyone just kept walking.

It was a hot day, and being wizards, they were all kind of lazy and not too used to walking everywhere.

"How much further is the Fidelus charm extended to, James?" Sirius questioned.

James merely shrugged, more interested in poking all the plants with his wand.

"Aren't you their secret Kepper? Shouldn't you know that?" Snape sneered.

"Nah, Peter is the secret Keeper, now."

"Why didn't you chose me?"

"We don't trust you."

"Why?"

"You're a werewolf!"

"Is he?" Snape asked frightened.

"You already know that, you doofus!" Remus said angrily, still upset that his friends don't trust him.

"Right," Snape said and visibly relaxed.

"Since we don't know when we can apparate, are we just going to walk to London?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, pretty much!" James said nonchalantly.

Snape started muttering to himself.

"What's the matter with him?" Remus asked curiously.

Sirius sniffed the air and said, I think he's saying something like..."

"Wait, why did you sniff the air? How did that help you hear better?" Remus asked.

"I'm a dog?" Sirius said looking incredulously at his friend's stupidity.

"Yes okay...carry on"

"Well Snape said that the Fidelus Charm must have fermented because it's messing with out personalities.

*****_**Vitzy nods her head, the boys stare at the random interference from Vitzy but then ignore her. She pouts and leaves, but promises to make another appearance!***_

"Meaning?"

"Snape thinks that we're acting like each other. He thinks that you and I , Remus, have switched and that him and James have switched too."

"Is that why I'm really stupid now?" Remus asked.

"Yes, and that's why James is so disinterested in everything we do."

"Did you hear Snape's theory, James? Isn't it brilliant?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, whatever," came the broody reply.

"See?" Sirius said. Remus bobbed his head in agreement.

_...twenty five boring minutes later in which all that has happened is a mini duel between Sirius and Snape, but we are not going to dwell on that because it deviates from the story..._

"There it is, the Leaky Cauldron! I see it!" Snape says excitedly.

Sirius looks at him inquiringly. "Since when have you been excited about anything?"

"Well, I'm being James aren't I?"

"This is the way to Muggle London?" James asks stiffly.

"Absolutely, come on boys, MARCH!"

"Marching!" Came back a reply.

They entered the Leaky Cauldron from the back and met Tom the drunk bar man.

"Weeel, hey-lo me hearties!"

"E-O Tom!" They all said, channelling their inner Teletubbies

"The usual?" Tom asked drunkenly.

"Not today, Tom" Sirius said chuffing up his chest.

"We're on Lily business!" Remus smiled.

"We basically need to get to Muggle London," Snape added and James just looked around bored.

"Go right through the door, then m'lads,"

"What the back?" Remus asked.

"No, the front!" Tom said bewildered at Remus' dumb question.

"Ignore him, he's being me, for the moment," Sirius informed the bar man.

They all made their way towards the door and Remus flung it open.

The air that hit them, was cool and refreshing. A weird sensation came over them as they all stepped out onto the cobbled street of Piccadilly Circus.

"Funny, we're in Piccadilly Circus. Not too far from Trafalgar Square," Remus spoke, finally back to normal.

"If this is a circus, where are the clowns and animals?" Sirius asked, his mouth gaping open. He'd never been to Muggle London and to him this was like heaven. _(It's if we, Muggles, suddenly stepped into Diagon Alley)_

James grinned and said, "Looks like we're back to normal!"

Snape gave a funny laugh and said, "Things are never normal with you, Potter."

He was met with two very ferocious glares and one bemused expression.

Snape just rolled his eyes and turned his back to the Marauders. He was bored already, he'd been to Muggle London with the Evans on many occasions and it really didn't interest him as it did the other three.

"Sirius, you better hurry up and buy the IPOD," Remus advised him.

"Chill out Moony, we've got plenty of time," James said,

"WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS AND THE ANIMALS AND THE CANDY FLOSS?" Sirius suddenly bellowed.

The other two Marauders sent apologetic looks towards the other Londoners and Snape rolled his eyes again. It was going to be a _long _afternoon. How he wished, his Lily had come too.

**A/N : See? Now they're in Muggle London, many things will be happening. Review please!**

**Oh also, if you didn't know...Alan Rickman is the actor who plays snape and likewise, David Thewlis is the actor who plays Lupin. And if you don't know who the Teletubbies are, shame on you! Don't forget to review!**


	4. In which they keep disappearing

**Disclaimer: Really? Okay **_**fine! **_**I'm siriusly not J.K Rowling...or Sirius for that matter.**

**A/N: To the three people who are seemingly the only ones reading this...this one is for you!**

**Vicky, I'm **_**finally **_**getting to use your idea about the fruit shop (well apples mainly)**

"It's been three hours Black. _Will _you or will you _not _hurry the Salazar up?" Snape exclaimed in an exasperated tone.

Indeed the four wizards had been walking around London eating and feasting on Muggle food and chocolates for no less than three hours and Snape was finally starting to crack under the strain of being near the Marauders without his Lily.

"Ro way en" Lupin managed to spit out through his chocolate filled cheeks. Giving him an utter look of disgust, Snape turned to James for a translation.

James looked quizzically at Lupin for a moment and then said directly to Snape " He said Bugger off!"

Snape turned a puce colour at such an insult and said "FINE!" before snapping his fingers and vanishing into thin air.

...

At the Potter Manor, Lily was pacing up and down. As a stumbling Snape appeared in the house Lily stopped abruptly.

"What are you doing?" he asked trying to stand without tripping on his overtly large nose.

"Pacing." Lily replied through pursed lips.

Snape nodded and joined Lily in her pacing.

Meanwhile, back in Muggle London, James was starting to get restless too. And the hot sun wasn't helping either. Remus and Sirius had seen yet another sweet shop and were both currently scoffing their faces. James decided that he really wasn't needed and so he too...vanished from the spot.

When Remus and Sirius came back out, holding their bulging stomachs they noticed that their Prongsie was no longer there. But the boys were too preoccupied with their stuffed stomachs and they simply shrugged and kept on exploring.

...

When James got to the Potter Manor, an unusual sight met him: His wife and former nemesis were..._wait, what were they doing?_

"What are you doing?" James asked in bemusement.

"Pacing," Snape snapped.

"Oh," was all that James said, and he too joined the other two in pacing.

...

Sirius and Remus meanwhile had finally managed to stop looking for sweet shops and were currently peering into pet shops.

Upon reaching a shop for exotic looking birds Sirius mused, "So this is the Muggle version of Eyelops Emporium."

Remus rolled his eyes and didn't bother with a reply. The truth of the matter was that he was getting a bit tired of staring at animals.

"You know we really should be looking for the apple iPod," he reminded Sirius.

But Sirius appeared to have not heard. He had just seen the shop 'Dogs R Us' and was far more interested in going into the shop.

In side the shop were...dogs. Sirius was so excited about seeing dogs that he didn't even realise when Remus finally got fed up of roaming around London, and he too disappeared.

...

Upon seeing the three people pacing inside the Potter Manor, Remus didn't even bother with questions.

He just simply picked himself up from the floor (where he had fallen when he came) and started pacing behind James.

...

Now Sirius was all on his own...oh _dear._

The first thing he did upon entering was to go the owner of the shop.

"Do you have Padfoots?"

"What's a padfoot?" the lady asked, warily of the long-haired man in front of her.

"I'm a padfoot, but I was wondering if you sell other dogs which are Padfoots?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"I have never heard of that breed, now excuse me I have to go feed apples," the woman replied impatiently waving Sirius aside.

"APPLES!" Yes! I remember apples; I need to buy something to do with that.

"Well I suggest you go to a fruit shop then," the woman's voice came from somewhere down the shop.

"Where's the fruit shop?" He asked

"Down the road. It's hard to miss, it's the biggest one in London!"

With that information, Sirius trotted out of the dog store, completely forgetting his desire to buy a Padfoot.

The dog shop owner shook her head and sighed. Her assistant came up behind her and said. "Tough customer, eh, Vitzy?"

Vitzy rolled her eyes and said, "More like a deranged customer. Seemed to think that 'Padfoot' was actually a breed of dog and then he thought he was actually Padfoot, himself! I mean I've heard of people thinking they are Harry Potter but why on earth would you want to pretend to be Sirius Black? Seriously, some people need to stop living in a fantasy world!"

Her assistant just nodded and handed, Snowy the dog-fog, over.

...

Sirius found the fruit shop alright. After all, it _was _the biggest in London.

He sauntered in and quickly got lost amidst the shelves upon shelves of peaches, oranges, mangoes and various other muggle fruits that Sirius hadn't ever seen before.

"Can I help you?" A tall girl with glasses asked Sirius.

"I'm looking for an apple but I can't remember what it looks like," he said mournfully.

"You serious?" the girl asked trying to hide a snigger.

"Yes, actually, I am. The name is Sirius. Sirius Black," Sirius said really happy that he was finally famous.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Sure, and I am Hermione Granger."

"Who?" Sirius asked confused.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Fine, you caught me out. I'm Vicky, now let's find your apples, Mr. Black"

Sirius twirled the red almost-ball shaped fruit in his hand.

Vicky watched him with raised eyebrows. "What's wrong, now?"

"Well this looks nothing like the apple that Lily had."

"Let me guess, Lily Potter?" Vicky asked in a bored tone.

Sirius looked up and said "Yes! How did you know?" but Vicky didn't seem to supply with an answer.

"And it doesn't even have white worms coming out of it." Sirius declared, eyeing the apple disdainfully.

"And there are no sounds coming out of it!" He added. "Look here, Miss Vicky, I think you've given me the wrong apple."

Vicky sighed visibly and as he started to explain the shape of '_Lily's apple',_ Vicky suddenly gasped in understanding.

"Oh my GOD! You're talking about an Apple IPod!" she declared.

"A what?" Sirius asked confused, but Vicky was busy laughing her head off.

Finally, clutching her sides, she told him to go to 'Staples' and buy some paper and ask the shopkeeper to write down 'apple iPod' on it and then direct him to the apple store.

Sirius was way out of his league, not only did he not know what kind of shop 'Staples' was but he also had no clue as to what 'Paper' was! But trusting Vicky, he plodded his way to the shop.

Of course, us Muggles, know that Staples is in fact a mugglified version of Flourish and Blotts, so when Sirius saw all the stationary stuff he finally felt relieved. At least he understood what these weird cylindrical things and white sheets were supposed to be!

"Are you looking for something specific, sir?" A young shop assistant asked Sirius. He turned around quickly and blurted out 'I'm looking for parchment!" before realising that he was supposed to say 'paper' (he by now had understood that paper was actually what Muggles used, instead of parchment).

The girl beamed and pointed to herself before replying, "That would be me, sir. Jade Parchment is my name."

Grinning, Sirius replied, "That's funny! You're in a parchment shop and your name is Jade _Parchment_! Hahahaha…"

The girl was not amused, she had heard that plenty-of times before. "Well we don't stock parchment." She said huffily.

"I meant papy," Sirius said hastily.

"Paper?" She asked holding up a stack.

Sirius peered at it closely. "Yes that. I need you to write down what an apple iPod is," He said.

The girl stared at him. "You must be foreign," she muttered and walked towards the front of the shop. "I'll write it down for you, you don't need to actually _buy _anything."

A few minutes later Sirius left, with a piece of paper on which the girl had written 'An instrument to hear music through.' With this and the directions to the 'apple store' Sirius went on his merry way, singing Jingle Bells, Snivellus Smells, I am better look-ing…'

FINALLY, he reached _the _apple store where he was greeted by a woman with a bright smile who claimed her name was JelloDVDs but the joke of her having a name like that in a shop which sells films, was lost on Sirius because he didn't know what the heck 'Dee Vee Dees' were, at any rate. So when he stared blankly at Jellos, she started getting a bit fidgety.

Neither of them said anything, Sirius started to wonder if a wizard had silencified her, but then he remembered that he was in Muggle London…

Eventually, Jellos clears her throat and asks the man in front of her what he is looking for.

Sirius glances at the paper in his hand and says, "Ah, an instrument to hear music through."

The girl nods in apparent immediate understanding and walks off, only to appear a few seconds later, holding a rectangular shaped box-like think with white 'worms' for earphones.

"Is this what you wanted?" She asks, smiling dazzlingly at him.

He notices the white worms and the box-like shape and nods his head, in satisfaction. Now Lily will be happy with him again!

The woman smiled back, at having served a customer so well, as she led him to the paying stall.

"That's forty pounds, please," the checkout lady said in her very chav twang.

Sirius extracted notes with the picture of the Muggle Queen on it and gave it to the lady, who stashed it away into the drawer and waved him to leave.

"Hope you enjoy your portable radio!" JelloDVDs yelled as Sirius hurried out the door.

…

Now that Sirius had finally got hold of an _apple iPod _(or so he thought) he realised he had no idea how to get back to the Potters.

He shuffled to a deserted alleyway, which in it self took about an hour because, well, he kinda was in the middle of the busiest city in the country!

He cast a corporal patronus (shape of a dog...DUH!) and sent a massage along with it.

A silvery form of Padfoot came bounding into the living room of the Potter Manor and Sirius' voice barked out, "How did you get back?"

"Apparated! Obviously" James' stag patronus had reached Sirius.

"What about the Fidelus Charm?" came back the dog patronus.

Here James paused and wondered then suddenly remembered what Lily had told him. He formed another patronus and sent it off with a message.

"Peter already betrayed us, come on over, you're safe."

"Oh that's why Wormy never came over today! All right, here I come!"

Sirius does a dramatic twirl ...and falls down. He gets up again and grumbling decided to just do it the normal way.

...

At the Potter Manor, everyone is pacing about. Some are tense (cough Lily cough), some are trying to disguise their happiness (ahem Snape ahem) while two are slightly confused but also a bit bored.

Suddenly Sirius appears on the doorstep and Lily goes to open the door.

At seeing everyone's unusually sombre (well, Lily's anyway) expression, Sirius asks the question that everyone expected-_readers included_-to ask:

"What's wrong?"

Remus looked up and smiled sadly while Lily gave a small sob. Snape rushed to comfort her while James opened his mouth to speak.

"Prongsie?" Sirius asked in genuine concern.

"It's baby Harry...they've taken him!"

"Who?" Sirius asked astounded. Sure no one liked Baby Harry but he was still the 'Chosen one!' Losing him was just a preposterous idea!

"The Malfolicles..."

"You mean Malfoys." Sirius stated, thinking of his cousin's family.

" really does mean Malfolicles" Lupin chirped up. Lily finally found her voice.

"It's the Weasleys. They've kidnapped my baby Harry! Who will I feed all the stale baby formula food?" she wailed and both Lupin and Snape hugged her sympathetically.

"The poor Redheads? Why do you call them Malfolicles?" Sirius asked his best mate.

James giggled and even Snape gave a strained smile.

"Padsy, they have dirty nail follicles...so they have Malfolicles! HAHAHAHA!"

**A/N: Ah, hope you liked it. Sorry about not updating the other stories…I'm going through a stressful time and a huge writers block…but I've got a MacBook so maybe I'll try writing on that, perhaps it will be a different experience?**

**Anyway…REVIEW!**

**Vitzy-**


	5. In which they search for clues

**Disclaimer: I do not own this wonderful series! Because if I did, this would be called canon. Not fanfiction :)**

**A/N : Thank you for reading this! I hope you continue to do so. I am having a laugh writing this. I hope you have a laugh reading it.**

Sirius was appalled. "The Malfol…oh for the sake of Merlin, did the _Weasleys _really take Baby Harry?"

"YES!" cried everyone in the room. Sirius harrumphed and sat down on the floor.

"Why'd they take him anyway? Haven't they got enough of their own kids?" Sirius asked, for once, an intelligent question.

But he was just ignored. Everyone was in contemplative silence as they thought of ways and means to get Baby Harry back. Well actually, James' was salivating thinking of Lily; Severus was salivating thinking of Lily punching James. Remus was salivating thinking of Lily cooking his favourite meal. Sirius was salivating thinking of Remus eating Lily's cooked meal and Lily? Well she certainly wasn't salivating thinking of herself but baby Harry wasn't on her mind either.

So basically, no one was really too concerned about bringing him back…but it was still an adventure. And an adventure = fun!

"I have a plan!" Remus said suddenly.

James rolled his eyes and said "We can't put toilet paper round ourselves and dress up as mummys to scare them off! It's not Halloween!"

"I know that, idiot. If it was Halloween you'd be dead and Sirius would be in Azkaban."

"Oh yeah…"

"Don't dilly-dally, tell us your plan." Snape drawled in his usual bored tone.

Remus puffed up his chest importantly and said… "Gang, let's split up and look for clues!" He smiled around triumphantly at the little gathering, but he got blank looks all around. Even from Lily- who was supposedly clever.

"Aw, come on! Fred always used to say that!"

"What Fred Weasley?" Sirius asked confused.

"What's a Fred Wheezy? I'm talking about Fred I-don't-know-his-last-name- Fred."

But no one knew who he was talking about and Remus gave up.

…

Half an hour later, they had still not found any clue and the boys were giving Lily pitiful looks and at last she succumbed and decided to make some food. However, in the process of cooking, James kept poking her and she ended up burning the shepherd's pie that she was trying to bake.

They ate it anyway. Black, charred, burnt bits and all.

Sirius burped loudly and caused Snape's chair to blow over, which was opposite him.

"BLACK!" Snape screeched, getting up and moving hair out of his eyes and mouth.

Sirius just merrily grinned lazily and held up a hand in 'surrender'. Snape then made a gun with his hands and 'shot' him. Sirius 'died'.

Lily, James and Remus stared at them incredulously.

Awkwardly, Remus cleared his throat and suggested they continue looking for clues.

Lily quickly moved her wand in the air and all the dishes lifted and moved to the sink, but just before they were levitated down, she lost her nerve and the dishes crashed to the floor.

James gave a huge sigh and muttered something about 'Muggleborns' before pulling his wand out of his pocket and muttering reparo.

They searched high and low. They searched inside and outside. They searched up and down. But never did they think to actually search in the room where baby Harry had been sleeping.

At last Snape pulled out a bit of fabric from under the sofa. It belonged to Molly Weasley from when they had come over for dinner two months back- before the Potters had to go into hiding.

Everyone crowded around Snape and the little itsy bitsy piece of fabric.

"Oooh, it smells of her!" Remus said, excitedly.

"We finally have proof that it really was the Weasleys who baby-napped baby Harry," James said happily.

"We can cast the smell tracker spell and locate exactly where the Weasleys are staying," Lily said knowledgeably.

"Aren't they at the Burrow?" Sirius asked, a little slow on the uptake.

"Well, they had to move didn't they?" Remus answered him.

Lily made to get her wand out but James hand quickly shot out and held onto his wife's wrist.

"Let me, "he said decidedly. Lily slumped her shoulders and stowed her wand back in.

He cleared his throat before beginning: "Smells enchant and rouse, show us the Weasleys' House!"

A huge smoke cloud enveloped them all and carried them out of the door and over the hills and far away.

Finally, the cloud disappeared and the gang found themselves in Scotland.

In the distance, nine red-heads could be seen.

The atmosphere was suddenly very tense.

"I see them," Lily spoke, quietly.

Everyone nodded, as they all started to march up the hill.

**A/N : Was that okay? Review please.**


	6. In which they encounter Voldemort

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling and therefore do not own Harry Potter. Also I am not Vikt0ria so the girl featured in this story is not my daughter. I have never met her so the personality traits and speech I have given her are all my imagination and not something she herself has said.**

**A/N: FINAL CHAPTER…woohoo. Do enjoy**

…

James, Lily, Remus, Sirius and Severus stood in sharp relief to the rolling hills of green beyond them.

"Are we going to be fighting them?" Remus asked in a quiver of a voice. James rolled his eyes and replied "Just go home, you big wuss!" Remus squeaked and disapparated with a loud CRACK. Sirius stared after his wolfy friend dumbly.

"Lily-flower (at this, said flower blushed bright red) my loyalty ends here. I cannot fight nine red-heads…one was enough!" With that Severus disapparated away too. Lily looked hurt momentarily but then remembered that the 'hurt' look looked silly on her and quickly rearranged her face to a much more pleasant expression.

Sirius was still staring at the spot where Remus had been mere minutes ago.

"What are you doing?" James asked his wife sceptically. "Being pleasant," Lily replied and quickly went back to grimacing again.

Sirius was still staring at the spot.

"Look its three to nine ratio…well actually three to ten ratio, Harry probably prefers Molly's cooking to Lily's…" Lily hit him round the head. "Look already, we have to get the thing back and unless we make a move on, we'll all fry to death here."

Lily nodded and they started to walk down the hill…Sirius was left behind.

At the bottom of the hill, the Weasleys were all gathered around, eating dinner. The swarming red-heads hurt James' eyes. Even Lily, who had no family alive anymore, hadn't seen so many red-heads congregated in one place before.

"Look it's the black haired man!" A little Fred squealed excitedly. Molly screamed and yelled out to Arthur.

_The battle of the Weasleys and the Potters commenced. Baby Harry and Baby Ron clapped their disgustingly chubby hands and cheered for opposite teams. Big Charlie and Big Bill were throwing dung bombs from their bedroom windows at everyone. Arthur was having a duel with Lily and Molly was wobbling away from James who was running after her with muddy hands…yeh, real mature…_

"ENOUGH!" A girl shouted. At once everyone stopped. She was a blonde girl. She was a very pretty blonde girl. "Who are you?" George asked curiously. She sent him a condescending look. "Everyone in Hawaii knows me…"

"This is England," James said glaring at her. He almost had Molly!

"No way, Sherlock!" she quipped at him. James looked at Lily confusedly. "He's a muggle detective. My dad used to be friends with him," Lily supplied.

"So back to the topic…" Percy said in a high pitched business-like voice.

"Oh for the sake of Merlin, I'm Athena. Athena Malfoy."

"MALFOY ON MY LAND?"

"Sheesh will ya chillax – honestly y'all should come to Hawaii – it's known for its relaxing atmosphere."

"Look, we don't care if you are Ariana or Anna or whatever your name is. We just want Baby Harry back. I'll have to suffer James' snoring again if Harry isn't there to cry through the night.

Baby Ron turned to look at Baby Harry in glee. Baby Harry smacked Baby Ron in his face.

"Well you can't leave." Athena said with finality in her elegant voice.

One of the Weasels was just about to ask why but suddenly ten, twenty, thirty hooded figures appeared out of the sky. "That's why," Athena said in a sweet voice. "I'll be off then, have to meet Uncle Lucius, he's my father's younger brother." And with that she…nah she stayed, Six year olds cannot apparated. Duh.

"JAMES POTTER….DETENTION!" Said a loud snake-like voice.

"WHAT?" James asked outraged. "You're not a teacher you can't give me detention!"

"Oh yes he can," a voice cackled from one of the hoods. "Bella?" Lily asked in astonishment. "But we had lunch with you at Sirius', why are you with him?"

"SILENCE! I AM PROFESSOR VOLDEMORT. I GUESS YOU CAN CALL ME VOLDY-PANTS…if you wanted detention. Nope, just kidding, I'll kill ya if you call me Voldy-Pants!"

"Voldy-pants!" James snickered under his breath and Lily laughed and joined in riling Voldemort right up.

"THAT IS IT! YOU WILL ALL DIE! Even the babies!"

"Noooooo, not Harry. Please not my son. Take me. Take me instead. He needs to produce a girl Potter, haven't had one in seven generations!" Lily and James moaned together.

"You too?" Arthur asked surprised.

"Yes, mate. Real problem the Son's curse is." James said conversationally.

"Fine! Just Lily and James will die. Besides killing you all will eat into my lunch break. I have to go back to polishing my trophies, you know. Now line up you two and let's get this over."

James and Lily, both teary eyed turned to have one final look at their son but Arthur stepped up. "Not in my garden, thank you very much. We eat our food here!"

"Okay fine we'll take it up to the top of the hill if you promise to take in our son," Lily said firmly.

The Weasleys gasped and held their breath in anticipation. Harry fell off his stool in shock and cut his head open on a piece of broken glass. When he got back up, Ron laughed at his bloodied lightening shaped scar.

"Yes." Arthur said simply and a cheer was heard in the Weasley clan. Baby Harry ran to his parents and the Potters had one final hug.

Lily and James went up to the hill to die.

To this day no one has heard anything of them. No bodies were found. Voldemort never returned. Sirius cannot be traced and Remus and Severus got married in their grief.

Legend has it that a mysterious girl named Athena helped them all escape the country and that they live happily together as a family somewhere with Merlin – wherever the hell that is!

Rest assures, Baby Harry grew up. He married Ginny Weasley and they had a daughter (with two sons first) who they absolutely doted on.

And all was well.

**A/N: So here it is. Definitely the end. I hope you enjoyed the ride. I had a laugh writing this. Hope you all had a laugh reading it! Thanks to all of you. Please review :)**

**-Vitzy-**


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